Keeping White People Comfortable

The Art of Keeping Up With White People 

It is a fine art, keeping white people happy and comfortable. Not everyone can master it, so I've set up the following rules for you: 

1. Deny everything that mentions any form of white supremacy 
2. Don't speak about hair. Dear lord, don't speak about hair. 
3. And please, please don't bring up slavery. Ever.

If you follow each point, you can succeed in keeping a white person comfortable. Now, let's discuss why we shouldn't do that. 

As a white person myself, I can sense my privelege in my every day life and no matter what I expose myself to, I will never face nor even imagine facing the pain that POC go through on a daily basis. But, what I can do is try to get through to my white counterparts. 

Firstly, POC owe you nothing! A common rhetoric amongst white people involves the idea that people of colour are supposed to educate you on why your behaviour is wrong but that's completely and utterly inaccurate. People of colour shouldn't have to list out reasons for you not to be racist or describe how you using the n-word is demeaning. Please refer to literature and the internet for your "education", people of colour are not your reference book. 

Secondly, acknowledge the past and how you benefit from it. Please stop telling people of colour to "get over" their experiences of segregation, racism etc. Yes, your grandfather may have fled Lithuania in 1979 and yes, you may have to apply for financial aid to go to university but you are still privileged. Pretending like slavery and institutionalised racism aren't real doesn't really help anything. You just sound like your main goal is to keep yourself, as a white person, happy and blissfully unaware of the hardships your ancestors caused (which is probably accurate). 

Thirdly, stop with the micro-aggressions. Yes, Daniel we know that Thando has hair that's different from yours but you really shouldn't touch it or ask to touch it. That's weird and you probably wouldn't appreciate it if Lewis from your rugby team asked to touch your hair. Please stop saying you're "colour blind", we know that's not true. Start working on how you deal with race rather than denying its existence. And for God's sake, stop telling articulate people that they "talk white". Do you even hear yourself? Come on Jeff, that comment comes from your belief that the only white people can verbally express themselves. Hm, I thought you said you were "colour blind"? Nice try though. 

Lastly, stop saying you have black friends! People of colour are not tokens that you can pull out when you are being problematic. Seriously, stop it. It's offensive and dehumanising. Not to mention, it's incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved in the conversation. That's why you didn't get invited to Claude's party, Johan. 

In conclusion, white comfort is not more important that the rights of people of colour. Your bubble of denial is actually harming the world you live in. 

(And to my white readers in South Africa, being a "born free" doesn't excuse you from being racist. It actually means that you have the power and the means to end systemic racism and to try and fix the problems of the past without making it all about you!) 

The path to equality is rough, we all make mistakes along the way. But, you need to acknowledge those mistakes if you ever want to move forward. Nothing good ever comes from denial. 

Think of the past as a history book - learn from it and refer to it. Don't assume it's a work of fiction and then fail the exam and start to blame the author for your mistakes. 

- Mila 

Xx 

*Note - Yes, I know - "not all white people". But in this case, YES all white people, thanks. 

The Art of Saying No - A Realist's POV

I like to think that in the 21st century, we have grown as a species, meaning that we have found our own truths and assets and have decided to use them throughout our lives. Unfortunately that is not the case, as many people, in this day and age, are still terrified of the prospect of saying "no" to somebody.

As a staunch feminist, I know how the word "no" is sadly not taken very seriously by many people. Whether it be saying no to a creep asking you out or simply not consenting to sleep with someone. A friend of mine, commented a while ago that it's about how the person says no. I was very annoyed with that obviously ignorant statement. I wasted no time in telling him what was wrong with his statement. A firm "no" is exactly what it is. A "no". Meaning, that is not happening, I don't want this, I didn't say that etc... The age old belief of "playing hard to get" is in actual fact, somebody who is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Rejection can be tough, of course but dealing with that rejection in a misogynistic, chauvinistic way is wrong and honestly, disgusting.

I love making people happy and it breaks my heart knowing that I've disappointed someone. However, I began thinking about what saying "yes" did for me. Too often, after I've said yes, have I felt exhausted and taken advantage of. For example, someone asking me to do their essay for them because they were very tired or someone asking me to use my lunch break to track down their missing iPad. I'm not saying, "don't be kind". Believe me, having an open heart that gives more than it receives is still an ideal I long to have and an asset I believe I do have. My advice is to be smart when saying "yes".

I came across a quote in a book I was reading, that said something along the lines of "sacrifice is living love". Why? Why is love only deemed acceptable if we practically die showing it? Why is it that love needs to be exhausting and challenging in order to be seems as true? Is it not possible for people to be happy whilst still expressing their love? Writers and artists alike have always reiterated the idea that "love is suffering". Why? Is saying no to a loved one bad? Is it a shameful thing to do? Once again, I'm not saying, "don't be kind". I'm saying, "think about why you are saying yes".


There is a fine line between selfishness and self-preservation. Most of us do not succeed in never crossing into either terrains. Being human means making mistakes. Being human also means learning from them. So my advice to you is, give at your heart's content but don't forget about yourself in the process.


-Mila Brkic